30 Days to Better

Frustration; Shredheads

I don't think I look too good right now. 

This is, of course, all very, very relative. 

October of last year was the highlight of my self esteem high from months of sweating it out with Jillian and her blasted 30-Day Shred. 

I bitched and whined about it a lot, but the truth is, Noah stopped sleeping through the night sometime during that month and when the sleep deprivation reared its ugly head I caved under the pressure and gave up the one thing that could have kept me mentally on top of my MOM-game.  I stopped exercising.  It wasn't a conscious decision but rather I just got a bit derailed.  One week I only worked out twice and then only once and then I got sick and before I knew it I hadn't seen a pair of spandex anything in ten days and then it became two weeks and two weeks became a month and then we were sick again and a month became m-o-n-t-h-s.

I know this isn't news.

I know I'm not an anomaly. 

Many people take on exercise routines and things and life get in the way and they  get, you know, derailed. 

My stomach is flabby and it hangs over my waistband.   My arms are not as toned and don't feel as strong.  I have lost the hint of obliques that I was once so proud to see, albeit, shocked.   It is my fault.  Sometimes I blame Marc for "letting me get off track" and what I mean is that I wish he had noticed that I wasn't exercising and had come to me and said such and then pushed me toward the treadmill and reminded me to make no excuses.   But, he is my husband, not my trainer and not responsible for my choices. 

I want to blame.

I want to cry and yell that it isn't fair. 

I have to just ... get back on track.  

I am not starting from zero.  And I know how much I can do.   I know that I can walk on the treadmill on an incline for thirty minutes and then run for thirty more.  I know that I am capable of Level 3 on the 30-Day Shred, but I'll stick with Level 2 thankyouverymuchhere'smylung.  

I need to schedule better.  I need to stop making excuses and just do it. 

I'm asking you to hold me to it this time so I'm joining the Shredheads.

I will post my weight, shred-plan and goals soon ....

May's Rainy Days

We had a solid week of rainy weather so you'd be safe to conclude that I didn't get much outdoor exercise.  I did however do some indoor exercises.

I still can't seem to replicate the energy level and intensity that I felt a few months ago and I attribute that to a variety of factors.   I am "close enough" to my goals that I have lost focus and I wonder if I'm almost afraid to push ahead further.  There was a time last fall when I was in fabulous shape and I was climbing down the scale safely and regularly and I started to wonder what would happen if I outgrew, or rather, un-grew all of my clothes.  I'm not fat by any means but I remain in this place of needing to lose about 10-15 pounds to make clothes fit better and to be at a better BMI. 

What I really need to do is a flat thirty minutes of good cardio exercise I have also been playing around with my weights whenever I'm on the floor playing with Noah. I'll do some push-ups here and a few sit-ups there which I great for fooling myself into a state of fitness but not great for fitting into my jeans.

I'm still battling with myself to just... do it.

What makes me feel proud

1.  Feeding my family healthy foods.
2. Taking the dog and the kid for a walk together and NOT losing my shit and NOT yelling at either of them.
3. Realizing I've gotten through another week and I'm happier because of it.
4. Being just as happy and content off of medication as I was on medication.
5. Exercise. I've returned. 30- Day Shred, Treadmill, walks, etc....
6. Eating vegetables and fruits at each meal.
7. Taking time to notice the blossoms.
8. Having time enough to notice the blossoms.
9. Looking forward to several adult social occasions in my future.
10.  Finally, finally, starting to make a dent in my pile of to give away, emails to answer, laundry to fold, etc ...

What makes you proud today?

30 Days to Better Self Esteem

Is your self-esteem tied unnaturally to the number on the scale?  Mine is, sometimes.  I know many great people who battle this issue daily as well. Do you hate your legs or your flabby arms or that roll of chub that lazily hangs over the waistline of your jeans serving no other purpose but to remind you of how many missed workouts?  You aren't alone.  Perhaps for you it isn't physical, perhaps you just don't value yourself in your current job, relationship or lifestyle.  Do you allow the media's devaluing of stay at home mothers to wear on your own views of yourself?  

I am vowing to spend the month of March exploring ways to make myself and YOU feel better about who we are and what we are doing in this life. 

It is often said that if we don't love ourselves, who will.  A statement made with a bit of triteness perhaps but it is true.  Working to maintain and rebuild self-esteem is directly linked to how much respect we show ourselves, our minds, our bodies.  It ranges from eating healthy foods to feeding our bodies with knowledge, relaxation, and sleep to treating others respectfully and demanding the same for ourselves. 

I hearby declare the month of March to be Self-Esteem Month. 

I feel good about myself because I KNOW I am a good mother and I take care of my body.  I will feel better about myself if I carve out some time for exercise (regularly!) and build more emotional intimacy with my husband. 

Now you: What do you love most about yourself and what do you want to improve?               

Does typing count as exercising?

Balance.

Exercise.

WHAT?!

I just can't get it all under control.  I'm feeling unbalanced and I'm certainly under-exercised.   We were hit once again by disgusting virus that rendered us all ill and whiney and generally pathetic.  I'm feeling extremely frustrated with myself right now for NOT being able to keep up with my exercise or even keep any balance in my life. 

It feels like Noah is taking more and more time and energy but perhaps that is just because he isn't sleeping through the night at all, ever, and hasn't since before LAST OCTOBER.   I'm really fucking tired, ya'll.  There are mornings, hell, days, when I truly fear that my eyeballs are going to fall over the ledge  into the sallow yellow-tinged wells of fatigue that threaten to swallow them whole.  It's always me who is awake with him and I never seem to get daytime naps and I never catch up on the sleep. 

On the positive side of things, I have managed to maintain my weight loss.  I am within two pounds of my lowest weight achieved, however, without maintaining the muscle tone, I have ... softened.  I have curves where I should be tight and rolls where I should have a nice gentle curve.  My skinny jeans still fit but not without a muffin top situation.  Honestly, I miss feeling strong.  That's all I want. 

I have to get it together and create some space and time for exercise. 

Day 15 - Measurements

Yo! I'm actually about to tell ya'll my measurements.  I'm going public with my bra and hip size. 

To recap, I've been doing the Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred for about a month now. I began back in late August and I didn't start keeping track until September 12th.   The dates are a little wacky because I lost a week to being sick and rather than say oh well, THAT diet/exercise plan is fucked. I choose (with the extreme encouragement of other amazing women) to say I lost a week to being sick, I took care of myself and got better and here I am, continuing right where I left off.

I'm going to be even more honest.  Being sick, falling behind, not sleeping, and taking care of a sick family left me a little worn thin and oh, rather depressed.  I hate that it crept back into my life so suddenly and sharply.  I wasn't expecting it.  I was moving along all energized and happy and managing life and then a few rough patches appear and it really tossed me out of my game.  Writing this is making me face that and it is also forcing me to reckon with the fact that contrary to what I feel, I am actually doing well, I did not gain weight while I was sick.  I took care of myself and I did stay focused on my goals.  I went to the gym and I pushed myself to workout when I was feeling better and I was proud of myself.   I'm not good with self-appreciation and I'm not good at being kind to myself.  Mostly since puberty I've been in a constant cycle of self-loathing thigh-hating belly-pinching zaftig dysthymic inertia.

I'm working on this. It's heavy. Stay with me, please.

So here we are the first day of October (one of my favorite months, LOVE the fall weather) and as I have done since March 1, 2008 I weighed in this morning and took some measurements.

MARCH 24, 2008 (Baby: 3 mos. old)
165 lbs
Hips: 41 inches
Waist: 38 inches
Thigh: 25 3/4 inches
Arm: 12 inches (of soft shaky flab)

SEPTEMBER 1, 2008 (Baby: 8.5 months old)
150.2 lbs
Hips: 39.5 inches
Waist: 34
Thigh: 24 1/4

OCTOBER 1, 2008 (Baby is 9.5 months old)
146.4 lbs
Hips:     37 inches
Thighs: 23 1/2
Waist: 33
Arm: 11 1/2
Body Fat: 29.1%

In one month I lost four pounds, two and a half inches from my hips (bless you Lord Jillian), three-quarters of an inch from my thighs, one inch from my waist and almost 1% of body fat.  I'm really struggling to lower my body fat. It is in an unhealthy range, but it is quite stubborn.  If you have any suggestions please let me know. I work out well I eat well, what else can I do? 

Since March, (7 months) I have lost 19 pounds (12% of my body weight), four inches from my hips, over two inches from my thighs, five inches from my waist (being that I'm losing postpartum weight most of it was in mah belleh) and about a half of an inch from my upper arm.  I have lost just over 1% of my body-fat.  Meh.

I am starting to fit into clothes and sizes that I have never actually seen before and it is thrilling and downright frightening at the same time.   Losing a few pounds doesn't shed your problems or your insecurities it only makes them less flabby.   If you are just starting out on a new healthy initiative, do yourself a favor, take a few measurements, take a few pictures (I wish I did.) because it will help motivate you later and help you realize your goals.

Just start somewhere, if I can change myself in seven months you can make one healthier choice today. 

What are your goals?

So we've been at this here 30-Day Shred Challenge for almost a week and we haven't defined our goals. 

Are you in this to lose weight? Just make some time for yourself?  Lose a baby-belly?  Feel more energized?

Leave a comment, tell me how you are feeling today about all this working out.   You are doing great, keep it up!  I bet you feel stronger already.

My goals:  I am hoping to gain strength and lose some weight, 15 pounds by the end of the year.   I am very slowly getting better at making this time for myself every day.  I think that is at least 50% of the challenge for me. 

TIP:  Start the day off well with good nutrition. I eat a packet of Instant Oatmeal and I add a teaspoon or two of ground  flax seed, tiny bit of brown sugar, a dash of vanilla and cinnamon and a handful of dried blueberries.  It took at least a week but I've been eating this each morning now for months and it keeps me going and feeling full until lunch, three hours later.  (Heh.)
I also drink a massive cup of coffee.  That possibly helps with the energy too.

Realities and Relaxes

I have been nervous all day about saying this to all of you:    I didn't workout today. 

I am telling you this and coming clean because in your own 30-day challenge you are going to have days when life and plans and kids and husbands and pets and family dinners just get in the way and whatever it IS Saturday and it is okay to take a day off.  Right? 

(Note: I personally believe it is good to take a day off because your body does need a day to heal and recover.  I'll look into Jillian's suggestion and get back to you on this.)

Excuses? Do I need them?  Noah woke up twice last night and I only got four and a half hours of sleep.  In reality, I am sore.  I am very very sore.  I can't remember a day since Noah was born last December when I haven't woken up with a backache or back cramp of some sort.  In the beginning it was my spine readjusting to accommodate me, not me and a baby and random sciatic nerve spasms.  Then it was the daily grind of trying to get a modicum of core strength back and then a few months ago exercise became responsible for my daily aches.  I try to stretch often and in all honesty, the mild pain and muscle tightness reminds me that I'm getting stronger and that I am working for something.  

So I took a break.  I hope to feel better tomorrow. 

This challenge never defined things like taking a day off, or eating, or really any parameters at all.  Perhaps I should?  I'll get back to you on these. 

I think this challenge, while mostly physical in work is a means to get us to focus more on ourselves, for small amounts of time each day.  Because it is Jillian's workout we will all see physical changes in our bodies and in turn we will feel stronger and more confident as women, mothers, and individuals. 

I, for one have attempted to change my habits and my life and my waistline more times than I can even begin to recall.  I have never taken this approach, however.  30 days. Just do this workout. One workout. 20 Minutes. As many times as you can each week.  My goal is everyday, but I think 5-6 times a week is likely to be accomplished.   If I start small and with a simple goal I will see results that I am confident will encourage me to keep going and instill a new confidence in myself.

Did you workout today?  Did you do a Shred workout?  Did you walk the dog or push the baby stroller around the neighborhood for 30 minutes?  Did you eat a salad and grilled fish for dinner instead of a loaded baked potato and fried chicken?  What changes did you make today to feel better about yourself tomorrow?